Hello it is I, me, the koronakreep, from koronaland.
LADS I'm in dreadful form today. Like these cranky pants wont come off. I even tried moving my working office to the garden. Which is surprisingly possible! With my internet working and everything! And I can KINDA see my screen! Although I'm forced to constantly frown while checking emails. That's definitely why I''m frowning by the way. Nothing to do with my horrendous mood. NO NO. And not only am I making money but I'm making fresh nose freckles! Multitasking. BUT BACK TO MY BEING A MOANBAG 3,000. I have now become a wronged webinar goddess. Wronged by a million webinars! Shooting lightning bolts through the sky with my yellow eyes! Attempting to deflect further webinar requests! BAM! BOOM! Shazam! My automatic frown deflects nothing. It is failing miserably. Another 3 requests in today alone! Do you log into webinars? STOP IT! GO LIVE YOUR LIFE. You satanist. You Magpie of human beings.
It's good to get these cranky pants down on paper though. Air them out, force them to untangle, de crankle, be free with the sun. This writing down stuff and the sun. A medicine. It was kind-of working. Except that I keep getting emails. About godforsaken WEBINARS even after finishing work.
Why has the dreadful form arrived? You haven't asked! Rude. WELL I'll tell you. It all began as I was dressing this morning. When I knocked on my back window trying to stop a magpie murdering a sparrow. Magpie had sparrow pinned down, furiously pecking at it. All the little sparrows were losing their minds. Crying and screaming for their teeny tiny friend. In bird language, obv. (WAIT do I now speak bird?) So I knocked on my window, trying somehow to save the little sparrow. I woke Wife with my knock. Sparrow came free and flew off, only for magpie to follow with murderous intent.
Magpies are real dickheads, no? I saw another one tormenting one of our neighbourhood cats. She's my fave of the Crumlin cats. She looks exactly like Judi Dench in 'hit' 'movie', 'Cats'. (Inverted commas were appropriate for all three of those words, weren't they?) She lies on top one of our neighbours sheds sunbathing, legs spread. Having an aul lick. I mean, an uncanny impression of Judi Dench, give that kitty an Oscar! But, I digress, back to the evil Magpie story. Well, it was one quiet Saturday morning. Judi Meow was doing her usual sunbathing leg spreading routine. When, GO TOBAINN, a Magpie starts attacking her tail! Grabbing it with his horrible little evil beak! I knocked on the window that time too. It scarred us. Me and my garden friends. Judi Dench cat is ok. I still see her on my neighbour's shed roof. All the time! But I've definitely become much more aware of the cruelty of the Magpie in these trying times. That's why Magpies would be into webinars. Dicks.
Do you know what else is a dick? The coronavirus. Restrictions have been extended. To 5km now! Meaning that a lot of my favs are now within my hunger games district. But, I feel an actual physical pain from the possibility of having to not hang out with them. Pass by. And not be able to be close to them. It's mental this time we're in. Like I can't get over it. HOW has this happened? One of my colleagues said she thinks we won't be back to our offices until a vaccine's found next year. Which is fair. And very rational.
Is this our lives now? As you may have noticed in previous blogs, I'm not usually a gigantic moan bag here. ONLY OCCASIONALLY DO YOU GET TREATED TO THIS MONSTER. Lucky you! (Poor Wife) And I've actually been relishing the special things and fortunate things I have in my life most of the time. (Like Wife!) And I'm fully aware of all the reasons I shouldn't be in bad form. But I am just having a bad day I suppose.
I've been avoiding the news completely. Discovering little slices of information accidentally. The massive number of deaths popping up on twitter, in a news report, on my bloody stupid phonebag 3000. All the beautiful, loved people who are passing away. I've been frightened with this ease of restrictions. I've watched the ease with which people have been ignoring these restrictions. And that's within the 2km. I can't imagine what it will be like now. And to be fair, if I see my friends or my beloved mother in law, I want to ignore the restrictions too. I want to feckin SQUEEZE THEM TIL I KILL THEM WITH LOVE LIKE A MAD MAGPIE WOMAN, but gentle not violent like a real magpie.
SIDE STORY! When I was doing my Leaving Cert German Oral Exam, I forgot all my German! Except for some reason, the German word for violent. I kept trying to slide it in, between 'Dass ist gutt' or 'Dass ist NICHT GUT'. Ended up calling my family violent. They weren't. I didn't have any other words. NO FEAR OF THAT NOWADAYS. The words...they. just. keep. typing.
No Orals this year, or is there? I haven't been reading the news, remember. Is normal gone now? I mean what we perceived as normal? I think it is. There's a before and after now. We're in the middle at the moment. I've realised how tactile I am. How much I love the closeness of people I love. Rubbing them on the back. Stroking their arm. Gently slapping their perfect little faces as they regale me with how deadly they are. SCHLAP i go. Burrowing my face into them....GAH! Or looking at the perfect babies they have made and not being able to PUT THAT BABY IN MY FACE. It makes me ill. I love a good hug hello and a sniff of them too. I want to sniff them all. I know. I'm in a great position. I have Wife and she always smells AMAZING. And I am so fortunate. So so fortunate. To have people to miss. I guess sometimes we have bad days in this shit show that is our reality.
But I have to remember, I've valiantly tried to save a sparrow and a kitty in the last few weeks. Plus human people by trying to be so strict with the guidelines. I'm not the Magpie, I'm JUDI EFFIN DENCH, the cat. Corona is the magpie. Biting at my tail. And you, my little blog, you are ME KNOCKING ON THE WINDOW STOPPING THIS NONSENSE. By spouting nonsense? I've gone deep with this analogy, eh?
And sure look, isn't it a glorious day lads! I having been working in the garden since two o'clock and it is now 7!! Magic. That is magic. A private outdoor space all to myself where I can do my actual job. HOW AM I SUCH A MOANBAG. And having so many gorgeous touchable friends I ache to miss is magic too. Having a sweet smelling wife. And a Judi Dench cat to rescue. So I'll cop on now, and forge on with another day. I think the cranky pants are lifting...! Is this blog magic too? OMG am I using you all. To stop being a moany dope and be feckin happy. LADS! We're all gonna make it through the shit days and I'm going to sniff you before you know it!!! Love to you, sniff sniff, knock knock, death to Magpies, Judi Dench was robbed at the Oscars this year. X
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