Couch potato

This is how I imagine myself, you?

x

It's quite a Tuesday isn't it? For being in the middle of a global pandemic, that is. Just that sludgey-ness. That 'THE EFFORT' feeling.

It's been four whole days! WHAT HAVE YOU MISSED IN MY WILD AND RACY LIFE? Did you notice how most meetings or virtual friend hangs start with that news bit? AS IF ANY OF US HAVE ANY NEWS. WHAT COULD HAPPEN, REALLY! You want the truth? We are all experimenting with leg hair growth. That is what everyone did with their weekend, I promise you. Wife still marvels at how the wind now caresses her leg hairs. IS THIS THE NEWS YOU WERE SEEKING, MANAGER? I've never liked the small talk. You know, talking about stuff that is happening. People's weekends. Actually, I don't mind listening to them. I really don't. I like people's non news. And they like telling me! And I welcome it. I'm not a teller, though. In fact, a colleague I've rarely spoken to sent me a lengthy essay on his weekend plans on Friday. Like I'm certain we've never had a full conversation. It detailed every inch of his weekend. He mentioned an axe and a chainsaw at various points. Just slid them in. And with the amount of murder podcasts I've listened to in the last few years, yes, I am worried. Strange though. Whenever I sit down to write this here blog. Somehow I twinkle my fingers over the letters and think to myself; ANY NEWS?! And thus, I've found a public way of telling people my non news, for someone who doesn't seem to like it. IS THIS VERY BLOG IS AN ODE TO MY SECRET ADORATION OF SMLL TLK?

ANYWAAAAAAAAy, in MAJOR NEWS! (sml tlk) We tried to make pizza from scratch on Sunday. It did not go well. We do not have a whippy kneady machiney. Plus, Wife looked up a weird recipe which she never read to the end. It was an inexplicable recipe for BBQing your pizza. IS THAT EVEN A THING? It didn't even have oven instructions. It was the wettest, sludgiest, grossest dough, and I kneaded it for what seemed like ONE MILLION HOURS. Only to have a TAH-DAH moment, when that sludge...continued to be sludge. When Wife eventually scrolled to the end she noticed all the complaints. They were all on what a dreadful recipe it was. And so, we abandoned the pizza ship and instead had PITA pizzas, which were DAYCENT. We let our beautiful sludge rise for 24 hours and tried again on Monday. When we looked, the sludge......HAD BECOME DOUBLE SLUDGE. Wife craftily shaped it into a pizza like structure and put delicious things on top. It was not the greatest pizza on the planet. But, it had a genuine pizza shape! Tasted pizza like, and was not soggy underneath! Miracle. Made by us! From SCRATCH! With no machines! Major news, you see!

I've also been keeping up with my Moms into Fitness workouts. For I am a mom, who is into fitness. It's strange, because I've never been into fitness. I'm also clearly not a mom. Not for me. I'm an arty person. I like to think of myself as someone who sits in parks contemplating. That is also not me, but I imagine that for myself. In reality, I sit on the edge of the sofa, look at Wife and say 'WHAT NOW?'. That is me.

But I'm distracting myself again, why didn't all you slim people tell me about how often you exercise? I did not realise. I'm doing it between 4 and 5 times a week now. And then a huge massive posh hike at the weekends. That is the most active I've ever been. Why do people not tell you about it? Like how it's supposed to be part of your life? I never understood that. And it's not that difficult. My trick now is to do it immediately when i wake up. Before caffeine, before anything! So that my body doesn't realise what's happening. Until I'm sweating on my living room floor. Lifting a bright green kettlebell up to my lampshade and saying NGAH!

Is it some secret? Is it indiscreet to discuss? Or is it so normal that you don't even speak about it as if it's news? Or are you trying to keep your hot bodies a secret? You all talk about how many millions of foods and drinks you enjoy! When really you spend eight hours a day nibbling on a spinach leaf? Squatting, INCESSANTLY. You slim people, as mysterious as you are slender.

ANYWAY, so I do MIF (mom's into fitness), then I do Kettlebell. On rotation. Day by Day. Like a slim person! MIF AGAIN TOMORROW, bless that Lindsay Brin (creator of MIF). She is sound. I now spend more time with her 10 min workout (that I repeat 3 times) than I have with most intimate friends. I've also started a kettlebell youtube with this couple(?). Well I dunno if they are a couple. What I do know? They like to hurt me. There's a dude and a lady. He introduces himself as YOUR PERSONAL TRAINER. His name is Brad or Josh or one of those 'people who go to the gym' names. She's Nadia/lydia/veronica (CAN'T REMEMBER!), but she only has a name, she's not your PT like Brosh. Anyway, Brosh started with this motivational stuff towards the end of one of the workouts. Talking about how I'm not like those people who stay on the couch. He is wrong. I am those people. They are me. I am them.

I felt like a professional athlete this morning though. The sweat dripping down my face as I squatted for the one millionth time. We've been watching a Michael Jordan documentary which is VEE GEE. He looks LIKE I DID RIGHT THEN in a few of the scenes. I mean, that's a very dubious connection, in that we were both sweating profusely. And that is the only link. But anyway, I am curious about the secrecy of the elusive slim person. Maybe I'll understand the language of the FIT after another million workouts. Is there a secret health nod you all do? A salute.  I'll never know. But I'll keep trying. I'll mute the derogatory motivational speak about my couch people though. It's ok to be on a couch. I AM ON A COUCH RIGHT NOW, CONTEMPLATING. Where the magic happens. What now? I say to Wife.

OOooh in arty news, I started painting again yesterday. Inspired by the NOTHINGNESS of Monday, I painted a few things for a few favs. I'm going to try continue with it. I keep forgetting how relaxing it is. I guess the pressure of people paying money for paintings has something to do with it. The lackadaisical experimental ponder-under-a-tree element is lost. So it was nice to do a few little ones...I looked up and I'd finished four little paintings. Just like that. I do think it's quite important to try anything creative right now. Or anything outside the drone of the daily walk. The WHAT NOWS to Wives. A little gentle rupture...like making a lil crap pizza for a BBQ but in your oven.

In the grand scheme of things, I've become way more accustomed to this home life than I thought I would. Maybe I could be a great hermit blogger? MAYBE I ALREADY AM. Must sit under a tree to have a think about it.

Anyway, a brain dump of nothing for you there today...Sometimes I try string a point together with this blog. I'll reread and grab strings. Wrap it all up at the end in a nice little bow, as if I had planned these words the whole time. I never have, I just write. Blog blog blog. It works for a sludgey day that word blog. BUT I DON'T FEEL LIKE IT TODAY. Stringing things together I mean. I am my own sludgey pizza dough. Giving you a general update on the INSIDE OF MY BRAINZ. Where all the capital letters come together to shout my thoughts at you. A bbq pizza of thoughts. WHAT AM I EVEN SAYING ANYMORE? That was lazy eh? Like this here proud couch potato. Who is a mom, who is into fitness. Sitting under a contemplative tree, asking you reader..WHAT. NOW. This isn't working is it? HIT PUBLISH.

xx