Although I would like to regale you with many tales of my fascinating Monday! Unfortunately, there was not much to report. I mostly watched two tiny dogs shagging in the driveway opposite my house. Endless pounding, pounding, POUNDING. They will make the tiniest puppies in the whole wide world. It will be the best thing that has ever happened. So thank you, tiny, randy dogs. For being tiny. For being randy. And for my future puppy. OH wait, i'm looking out now and they're AT IT AGAIN.
Yesterday was actually comprised of my preparing a webinar! To train people about delivering webinars! The Webinar Vortex, I'll call it! Where, if you say webinar enough times, you disappear forever! INTO YOUR OWN SOUL. It was this morning, this webinar of webinars. A distinct and profound torture. Of course, I pressed something wrong almost immediately. Ended up forcing my lovely colleague, who was the host, to cancel the event and re-set it. A glimmering example of the ease of this technology. I got all dressed up for my shitty webinar of webinars this morning. Put make up on! Curled my hair! Did ALL THE BITS. Except not press the wrong button. Oh no! It went well though. People, as usual, were SO SOUND. Everyone is MAD to do webinars. The only thing I'm mad for is a good quiz.
The AMOUNT of quizzes I've done since the beginning of this disaster! It is the only thing keeping me alive right now. It gives me an excuse to drink. (Wife not a big drinker, BUT if you're participating in a quiz, you're NOT ALONE, and can have a drink). I should note that I have no knowledge. Thus, dreadful at quizzes. Somehow I love them though. It's like how I love University Challenge. I have NONE of the answers. But there's something pleasurable about feeling your face contort. Sniffing the air as if RACHMANINOFF will always be the correct answer for any question. Like the empty, brainless, vessel that you are. Rachmaninoff sometimes is the answer! Mostly it's not. It's a pleasant hum though. All this knowledge is out there! You don't "have" any of it but you COULD if you tried. There's a quiz tonight. I'll be drinking Gin and contorting my face to the soothing images of my dear friends. Repeatedly asking Wife if it might be Rachmaninoff?
To calm myself after the trauma of the innaugural Webinar Vortex, I went for a brisk walk with wife face. I forgot to change out of my webinar outfit. She dressed as a tiny, fluffy football player with perfect boobs. I dressed as a lady in a red dress with runners. I was there for the calming air and to stop myself from self-scolding. I would have spent that time persistently thinking about button pressing. Also focusing on how I say the word "SO" WAY TOO OFTEN - like ALL THE TIME! And touching my face like a disgusting unhygienic (normal) freak! Wife had decided this was a run. So I said Feck it! And I ran! In a red dress! It was decent. But not breathable. I once ran the women's mini marathon in a full 1950's tea dress. Which is one of those big huge hoopy ones with an underskirt. (When I say ran. I definitely walked.) So yes, this is officially my first foray into dress running. I remember as a child I used to see this man passing me on the Stillorgan Road. I hobbled to school BEING A DARK AND MYSTERIOUS TEENAGER. He ran past me IN A FULL SUIT. Full Running. Every Day! I bet his coworkers appreciated his musk.
Anyway, during our run walk in a dress with a footballer boob lady, we saw another man running past us. Do not fear, he wasn't dressed like THIS WEIRDO. However, he was the Monica Seles of runners. If you haven't heard Monica Seles play tennis, it's only now that I realise it. She sounded like she was having loud, and satisfying, sex. Like the puppies above. It's cringey now. Because I used to imitate her during Wimbledon season, when we'd play tennis out on the street as kids. Did not know the implications of that noise. Neither did this Monica Seles Running Man. He had headphones in, so I'm guessing he doesn't realise the volume of his grunts. Though I find that curious. THEY WERE SO LOUD. And well done to him. On the HEALTH! I could have done without knowing how he sounds at the moment of climax. And all I could think was DROPLETS............
As he climaxi-jogged past us, there were two neighbours. They were having a socially distant chat across the road from each other. We went into the centre of the road. To maintain the distance! (Sound like that) But as we passed, the woman said, "Do you think this is what it's going to be like forever?" She wasn't talking to us. She was talking to her neighbour friend. Across us. But I'd like to take this moment to respond to her. And I'd like to tell her that no, it won't be like this forever. But if you'd like, you could log in to my webinar about webinars? Where I will press the wrong button? I'll gladly show you how not to run a webinar by running my webinar about webinars? You too can know success! By running in a dress! Or by watching your neighbour's dogs make love! Or while sipping a gin at a quiz. Keep screaming RACHMANINOFF at the muted screen. It will bring you peace. And climaxi-jogger is bound to get better at running. He's really trying! I heard him! That won't be like that forever either. xo
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