Slug-ish

Yes, thank you, I did Photoshop this myself. It's a slug replacing the face of JenAn in Jennifer Aniston's L'Oreal hair ad from a million years ago. I have a Masters in Art. 

You know those ads where a celebrity asks if you feel limp or lifeless? I know they're talking about your hair. But I am your hair today.

I woke up and promptly got dressed up into my chubby ninja uniform of now. Black lycra, black top, black socks, back runners, black soul. I gazed out the window and looked on at this heavy day. It was being all heavy. Immediately, I saw the biggest slug I've ever seen in my life. A snake slug. A visual metaphor for my day if I ever did see one.

In my being a fit-bitch process (fitch? No.), I did a kettle-bell workout before work. Wife got a large lime green kettle-bell in her most favourite shop - Mr. Price! She got it ages ago, sometime before, when we could leave our houses. Go to fancy places, like Mr. Price! Since then, I've only picked it up to clean around it. But, given how well I'm doing with my 'Moms into Fitness' workouts, I decided today was the day to get into it. Beginners Kettle-bells. I clicked on a 30 minuter. The woman giving the YouTube class was 8 months pregnant. This will be grand. Won't it? It was grand. I mean it was sore. IT WAS VERY SORE. But there was a woman who was EIGHT MONTHS PREGNANT showing me how to do it. I had no excuse. I have bore no babas. I am that large slug in the damp back garden. Too large for this workout I slither through. She, too, is a Mom, who is in to fitness. They're all at it. Anyway lads I COPED. Am I a ride yet? READY!!!

Wife has been entertaining me throughout this endless day very well. At one stage she told me she wants to be a shepherd for her career. Something about being outside. Where the slugs live. I should let her know she's already living that dream with me. She also did a lot of dancing while I was on calls to various managers. She went for a run. She went for a walk. She's in great form! Unlike this 'lil black cloud. The sun is out now though. Maybe if I go out I'll discover that slugs can become angels through the medium of pregnancy workouts. Wait. Was I doing a pregnancy workout? V difficult. Brave moms into fitness.

Maybe I'll find something inspiring on this stupid walk. In the stupid sun! That I can add to this massive moan I've just written. Sorry everyone.

I AM BACK FROM MY WALK. I even ran a bit. I listened to the Dolly Parton podcast. I'd been saving it for a day like this. A limp lifeless day. It was suitably refreshing. The sun stayed out the whole time. The huge burning globe in the sky unconsciously thanking me for not being such a moanbag 3000. That's a name Wife gives me when I'm especially moany. I extended the walk beyond my usual loop. Breaking routine! A true maverick.  I even considered venturing back to the park. But it was dubh le daoine. That's black with people, an Irish phrase for lots of dopes not socially distancing in a park. Well it means busy, direct translation is 'black with people'. There were also a million green flies on my route. I sense there's one inside my nose as I type. So many everywhere. Midges too. All over the park. Everyone is SO OBSESSED WITH THE PARK. Even insects. Put me right off. Inspired me to run though! Away from all of them! I took to the nice peaceful quiet streets instead. Now I'm back, writing to you, sweating buckets, trying to shake off my moanbags. Should be showering, really. Wife is watching yootoobs! She has her hair in little tiny pigtail buns. I want to pop her in my mouth. She is vee cute.

Isn't it dreadful that you can become a moanbag 3000?! When you can go outside for runs! Away from insects, human and flying! And listen to Dolly Parton's voice! And watch a woman you belong to giggle at yootoobs! Now I'm crying at one of her yootoobs. Miriam Margolyes talking about her partner of 50+years. They can't be together right now. And she wishes they were. "We've got to make the time we have left sweeter", Miriam says. She's right. So this moanbag 3000 is gonna go shower and enjoy her bleedin' evening. We'll get there lads. Call me moanbag 3000 no more, I am now the large slug who could. Do you think slugs are actually really cheerful and have been getting a bad rep all these years? Justice for slugs!

OFF TO LIVE MY LIVING ROOM LIFE NOW! CHAT SOOOOOOOOOON!