Sixty shades of silence

This is from a song that me and my most best boy sing to each other. We hold each other's faces and whisper it. As if it was written for me and him. It's called Enjoy the Silence by Depeche Mode. Seemed appropriate for this post. Miss holding his face!

Good afternoon! Hello! How are you? Are you still reading my blog? I can't believe it. There's so much nonsense. You are nice to me. I've written so many words now about doing nothing in my own gaff. Except for veering between states of fear, nosiness and sheer boredom. (Plus exercise obv. Am almost Kate Moss.) 

I appreciate that people are reading and enjoying it though. I've had many lovely messages about it, and that does make me happy. 

Mostly, this is a selfish endeavour. Giving me some form of purpose. Allowing me to rearrange my thoughts. So that I don't have a constant drone of threat womp-womp-womping in my ears. Instead, I'm reporting to you! On the dedicated process two neighbourhood dogs take to make puppies. (Still at it! They put the trier into terrior, god love 'em.)

It was weird Easter this weekend. Or Weir-ster? Doesn't work does it. Not like Fetch. I was a bit gutted about all the lack of craic. Good Friday has always been great for me. Closed pubs led to knees ups in houses of favourites. A rush to gather gallons of alcohol. Dance in kitchens. Craic has always been paramount to my lifestyle. It has a lot to do with my trademark roundiness. I enjoy imbibing with friends, talking nonsense. Eating snacks they hand me. Now I type nonsense to the public about my mid thirties life with limited drinks, and virtual friends.

We had two quizzes over the Easter break. It was vee nice to see all my little friends in a tiny box. I also had a few separate face hangs with friends who have faces. I got to see a tiny baby called Ted. He smiled at my digital face and made the world so much better! I would recommend spending some digital time with a friends baby's face if you can slot it in.

In the larger groups for virtual hangouts, it's better to do an activity than actually hang out online. I can't cope with the unnatural flow of conversation. It's like we're having a friendship business meeting. Everyone waiting for their moment to express their completely unnecessary point. Plus if you're not a loud kinda person, your point will never find its time to slot in. 

You know what I miss? Side conversations. Where a group of people are chatting and there are 2 or three conversations going on. I'm quiet in a group setting, and like to try listen to all three. Unless someone is directly asking me something, then I engage! But mostly I like to observe my friends. The passion they bring to talking about particular things. Or even their amusing nonsense. And I know I'm so fortunate to get to see their actual faces. I miss being a quiet person at a party, and the buzz, and the kitchen dancing.

Kudos to wife though, we did do a fair bit of private kitchen dancing for Weird Easter. Spread it out to the living room too. Sometimes if she asks me a question I don't want to answer, I'll just dance for a while. I even recited the entirety of the Fresh Prince of Bel Air rap for her while we cooked together. It's like some cringey montage of lesbians being harmonious. We disgust even myself. 

We created healthy dirty dinners all weekend. American diner style fodder. Chicken wings. Burgers. Stacked chips. All made by our own hands. With spray oil! In ovens! An accomplishment. Despite our gaff being tiny, we've lugged the garden table into the house so that we can have meals together. At A TABLE. Like Adults! A change from pre KORONA land. Where we use flamingo pillows as food trays. We would chow down while watching the latest bit of nonsense available to us. Though at a table now, we still sit in silence.  Instead of terrrible teevee, we listen to music while we eat.    (WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER NEARLY 8 YEARS and have spent WEEKS hanging only with ourselves. THERE IS NOTHING LEFT TO SAY.) But, it's a nice, accomplished silence. I've found myself eating slow. Appreciative of the dirty food we've made ourselves. Sipping out of crystal glasses like the JAYSUS LAWD HIMSELF.

The latest lock-in extension is now to May 5th. No surprises there to be fair. However, I have become a bit adverse to going out now. For some reason, I've decided if I stop going out, SOMEHOW, this will end sooner. Then I'll be able to see my friends with their actual faces! And sit in silence with them too! My phone bomb told me that social distancing will continue until a vaccine. That's a heavy weight to carry. Something I would have preferred not to have known. I'm a person who wants to submerge into other people. Shouting at them to play whatever song is my fav at the time. Sloshing a drink around. Smiling as a response to questions. Sneaking out early to pass out. For someone so bad at being social, I've only realised now how much I miss it. 

Spent lot of the weekend doing a whole lot of nothing. Reading, watching stuff. Staring out the window. Making mystery cupboard cocktails. I realised I haven't taken time off from work since November last year. (To go see Lizzo in Amsterdam - THANK JAYSUS FOR THAT TRIP). And I only took one day off at Christmas. And so that 4 day weekend was the first time I got to sit. Sit! And do NOTHING! It was lovely! And I felt zero guilt about it.

I saw it was national sibling day, plus that shine a light thing happened. If I was a normal person still, I would write a big long honest and grateful post. Emblazon it on my insta/fb. All about sisters and life and light. How tough it is to be so far away from everyone. How my own sister is working the covid unit. But instead, i just sat down. Let the nothing seep in. And I watched people create all the content. All the world continuing to move, all the fireworks and lanterns glimmering in the sky. Wife lit a little tea light in our window. And I just sat. Don't worry though, I still did my Mom's into Fitness workout and I even did some yoga with no mat like a healthy person. Helps with the guilt I don't have. Am I lying to myself about the lack of guilt? 

There's a great big ball of fire in the sky today! It was also there on zombaby jesus Sat too! We even had our dinner OUTSIDE. Both today AND on Saturday. Picnic table is getting great use! Moving hither. Moving Tither. Balancing our plates as we stuff ourselves. Putting ourselves in different venues to have the only noises exchanged between us be... MMMmn. Or if it's excellent.. mm mmm MMM! We've been excelling at the home dinners of late. Well she has. I just make chips, really. 

A thread you may have noticed throughout this post is how much silence I seem to enjoy. But there's a silence that is full. Of love. Of people you like. Of songs that sway you and how you can let them move you. Of drinks that keep topping themselves up and the crisp fizz of a fresh one. It's a rich, full silence. Built by those who are precious to you. Of the musk of your shiny clean friend. As you grab them and sniff them in. I know I'm so fortunate to fill that silence with delicious food noises with Wife. But, I definitely miss the silence of being in the centre of a big joyous buzz. Of friends wrestling me as I try to dance out the door. And I can't wait to be silent in the centre of a big room of brilliant humans. All talking nonsense. I'll be listening. Until then, I'll keep you posted on puppy creation project 2020.

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