I'm glad I've caught you. I made my wife go shower just now, so we have this precious sliver of quiet time together. For the first time in nearly 8 years of knowing the woman, she smells! She went out for a long walky run thing and came back having broken an actual sweat. This has never happened. She always smells very pleasant. UNTIL TODAY. She's showering now though, so we'll both recover from this trauma.
Feels like a combination of eons and minutes since I last blogged at my imaginary audience. And much has happened. A lock-in was announced. And I've been dutifully drinking since. Not to the extent of a true lock in. At a true lock in, I would always end up singing Sean-Nós. To a similarly captive audience of no-one. And would have had a minimum of 50 drinks. For this "lock-in", my drinks are rationed by my sensible wife, who is not a big drinker. And so, when I send her to Lidl for a box of beer, she returns with four bottles of beer. They were not even in a box. But sure look, Kate Moss would not even let beer touch her lips. And she is me. And I her. So, it makes sense.
I'll admit I felt some fear with the announcement of new measures. This sense of the temporary removal of our liberty. This invisible, life threatening attack not only on us, but on our way of lives. And I texted everyone. Absolutely everyone. I am scared, I told them. Most people, wife included, were sensible with their responses to my fear. This is what we were already doing, they said. This will encourage the people who weren't doing it to do it more, they said. This will help us to be free again quicker, they said. This will save many people from spreading it and catching it, they said. And I understand what they said. I am still nervous about going out though. My dangerous walkies feeling even more dangerous now.
And so! This weekend, I had:
nightmares,
video called friends,
and drank weird combinations of things from existing drink supplies in the house.
Sparkling water and cucumber flavoured vodka is actually delicious! in case you are in a similar dilemma.
I had also written an amusing little thing. (Well, amusing for me!) It was about being positive! Wrote it on Friday evening, finished it shortly before 8.30pm. I couldn't publish it for reasons that I'll reveal later this week. But, it was most unusual thinking of how this is escalating, how our lives are at the mercy of a virus. How chirpy I was a mere hour before. And I will be very honest. I am frightened. My sister works in a hospital. My Dad is a 77 year old teenager, dying to go out. I watch every single older person, or smoking person, who walks past my window. And I worry about them.
We did a quiz with some friends last night, though. Crafted by the best quizmaster I know. And it was nice seeing all their little digital faces. We had such a big google hangout that one person couldn't even come in! There were many awkward pauses. Varying degrees of internet. A horrible screeching noise from one of the screens. And I'll admit, for a while before that, my face has actually been falling off. But despite all these operational issues, you know, I never even thought about a worry once for that quiz. My face reforming itself back up onto my head from it's fall. And I'm very grateful for that. And for having people whose digital faces I can look at.
We also watched an entire season of Mad Men. If you are ever worried about anything, I recommend watching Joan Holloway walk through an office. She's like a panther, a calming, visually pleasant, sex panther, who will bring you peace.
That sense of a loss of freedom is weird, and a little alarming. But, I welcome it. I can sacrifice brunches, drinks and hugs for a while. I have been. I can even take on worrying about everyone for a while. Especially if everyone else is being sensible about it too. Are you being sensible? I worry.
I suppose the Mondayness of it all doesn't help, especially when work is still so busy. Like, I cannot get over it. Why is everyone so hard working when we're under attack? I mean, I am too. But I don't understand how i am? How are we functioning like this as if we're normal people? Is this what coping means?
The very worst time of my entire life will always be when my mam passed away. It was this horrific three week haze and I felt similar. I couldn't understand how normal people could walk around the place. Get the bus? Make food? Resigned to only eating what wife gave me. And the only thing I could watch was beauty pageants. They were so peaceful. I have no idea why... It's how pleasant they were all the time. A mundane, predictable, calming beauty. I resented elderly people at that time. Angry at them as my Mom didn't get to be one. Now I look at them and see her.
But if I'm to think hard about it, I also see everything that's happened since my mom died. How I'm masquerading as a woman now. Doing a real job. Living in a real house. Having a real wife. Being a human person.
In those three weeks, while I watched my favourite person in the whole world turn grey, I couldn't see beyond that.
But I survived. And the pain from her loss is part of that survival. Acknowledging the difficult, allowing it to seep in, and become part of you. That's part of survival.
Resilience is part of us all. The ability to pull the socks up. Maintain positivity. Feel sad or scared if we need to. And have our many wise friends tell us that it's going to be ok.
We are safer from the virus now than we ever have been.
So, I'll lap up this tediousness. The at-home workouts. Joan Holloway's slithering hips. My rationed cucumber vodka. My lovely lucky busy job.
I'm going to try focus on how sweet everything will be when we're back to normal ordinary office Mondays. A Monday that you wouldn't even notice, but I will now. I'll notice you, ordinary free Monday, because I'm going to enjoy the absolute fuck out of you. And most importantly, so are the many people we are protecting who will survive with our brave... NAY HEROIC... tedium.
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