March 26th - Being MIF-ed can turn to Pandemi-paradise

(pictured: me, post workout. A brave cow with an orange face.)

This morning I awoke to a grey dull day, and so instead of my usual park loop, I went renegade. A home workout in my home! Context: My sister has lost an extraordinary amount of weight in the last year. The Secret? Well, she's stopped eating and drinking everything fun. Bread. Booze. Sugar. I can't live like that. But, she also does this workout video. She sent it to me a few months ago. I assume I'll have the exact same results while shlugging wine and eating bananas. (Bananas are now the devil according to my sister.) That's just science. You wouldn't understand. Can't wait 2 b so skin eeeee!

So this workout! I'll explain! It's a HIIT workout. What does HIIT stand for? I'm glad you asked. HIIT stands for slapping all your muscles in their metaphorical faces with an anvil. (Imagine they all had little muscle faces going "oww"! Cute! But Sad.) It's run by a company called MIF - 'Moms into Fitness', like MILF, but with no liking involved. In case you hadn't noticed, I am not a Mom, nor am I into Fitness. However, inspired by my skinny bitch sister, I've been doing this workout video. On an ad-hoc, occasional basis, you understand. It's ten minutes of extreme torture, which you're supposed to repeat three times. The first time I did it, I did it once and couldn't cope and had to shower and hobble around for two days.

Well, this morning I did it thrice! Practically a supermodel.

This, of course, meant I did not have a litany of amusing mid walk anecdotes for my tiny readership. Hello all 3 of you! I apologise for your troubles. I am now a Mom into Fitness, you see. Also know as a MILF(minus L). Am i doing this wrong? LOOK WHAT THE CORONAVIRUS HAS DONE TO ME.

In real human work lady life, I had a huge big long meeting with my manager. Webinar requests are flooding in like suspected COVID cases. Everyone is mad for an aul virtual meeting. Calm down I say. Get yourself into Fitness, like this Mom.

I was also treated to a private dance from wife face as this meeting was in progress. It included some moves with a kettle bell and my shielding my face from her. All as I tried to talk event planning for a glorious future when we're out of this mess. In a team meeting on Tuesday,  I was doing the same eye shield to protect me from hypnotic wife dance. I unshielded, for a moment, to check my notes. I found a left boob resting on the screen of my laptop. Working from home is difficult for this mom, who is into fitness.

Come lunchtime and the day turned into a PANDEMIC PARADISE! Went for aerobic walk with wife woman in actual dress with actual polka dots like actual person. 

Que vast array of amusing mundanity in the form of a bullet-ed list. The answer to my tiny audiences prayers! You're so welcome.

• Saw many dog shits. Why do the people put them in the bags and throw them on the ground? What is that? Let me tidy this up so that I can throw it on the ground they say. I want to feel it's warmth around some plastic, they say. Now I need to throw it on the ground, they say. Wife always shouts WATCH, or SHITE any time one is approaching.

• Encountered many non social distancing joggers. I know you're wrecked lads but can yiz be a bit conscientious? I'm aware you are flagrantly healthy. LOOK AT YOU! Running for longer than two minutes! But DID YOU KNOW that I can do a HIIT workout for 30 whole minutes? Neither did I! Until today! Quaran-queeeen! And I still manage a wide berth around all souls. You can too! Dream big!

• Wife was very consumed with pointing out these wheelie bin cover contraptions. Located in the front of people's homes to hide the bins. A formal bin hider is THREE HUNDRED EUROS, she tells me. But she has great plans for a discreet budget bin hider. I am terrible with home improvements, particularly in planning stages. I enjoy them once all this planning floods from her brain into my home. Always makes my life prettier/more convenient. I walk on, nodding and smiling at the hidden bins!

• I tell her an amusing story! She forgets to listen. She is a gallant hero, conscious of protecting us and avoiding other human beans or poops. I re-tell my story, she unlistens again, and we continue on. We're like two completely separate entities. With wildly separate thoughts! Walking briskly through Crumlin! Together. This is what you got for voting for gay marriage in 2015. I hope you're happy with yourselves.

• She also carried my unnecessary coat i brought with me. I was being too much of a Mom, (into fitness). Preparing for cold with a light jacket. Absolutely roasting after a hot minute.

Work is very busy today. Everyone is very urgent! And so wife has gone out for yet another walkies. This time with mother in law, who is staying with us to avoid evil diseased public transport. They have left me in peas and carrots. It's only now I can hear hip hop blaring from next door. It would be nice, except that I can't hear it properly. And I'm supposed to be languishing in peas and carrots.

OH also further neighbour creep update for this home detective! We suspect cross the road neighbours may have COVID. It's the house of a thousand children. We always used to wonder if they ever closed their front door. Based on zero evidence and entire assumption, we assume it's ground zero now. There's an Ireland flag hanging out the upstairs window since Paddy's. It's gone quite limp now. Teetering on falling out of the window for a good two days. About to drift off to infect any nationalist thieves out there. I watch it clinging on to the window. A metaphor for my coping with our strange new world.

We were planning to play Monopoly tonight. Seems like something a mom, who is into fitness, would do. And that is me. We did not though. We sat and watched stupid mindless things again. You can only do so much when your brain is exploding in the middle of a pandemic. At least I have my imaginary children to look after. Friday is a day I get to drink wine to balance out all this healthy activity. An essential service indeed! I am impressed with everyone (except joggers) attempts to socially distance. I believe there is hope. And if not, there is wine. Plus, literally anything can happen if I managed to do thirty whole minutes of intensive exercise. I WONDER WHEN I'LL RUN OUT OF THINGS TO SAY. BYE FOR NOW, Lovooo